PART 1: An Old Testament Summary

 

Creation. God creates the Universe. Most importantly, God creates Adam and Eve in His image. Adam and Eve disobey God and mankind is cursed.

 

Adam and Eve give birth to Cain and Abel. Cain kills Abel. The endemic of sin increases.

 

Some generations later, Noah is born. Corruption increases on earth, grieving the Lord greatly. God decides to wipe out his creation with a flood, saving Noah and his family. After the flood, as purposed to create a better union with God, God makes a covenant with Noah saying, “I will never again curse the ground because of man… Neither will I ever again strike down every living creature as I have done.” God blesses Noah and his sons but Noah’s descendants eventually turn against God, their revolt culminating in the building of the tower of Babel.

 

God raises up a faithful servant in Abraham, a man with which His next covenant is made. God promises to bless Abraham as the father of a multitude of nations through which he will bless Abraham’s family, community, and the world overall, so long as every male among Abraham is circumcised. We see here one of the first examples of God’s grace as a prime element in the purpose of covenant, as it was Abrahams faith in the promise of God that credited him with righteousness.

 

Through Abraham, Isaac is born, the eventual father to Jacob who has twelve sons (the twelve tribes of Israel). To escape famine, Jacob moves his family to Egypt, where Jacob’s descendants, now known as Israel, would be enslaved for four hundred years.

 

The people of Israel grow to large number in Egypt, and the Egyptian king begins to see them as a threat. Pharoah enslaves Israel and they endure great pain and suffering. God chooses Moses to liberate Israel from Egypt. Moses leads them across the Red Sea where they escape Egypt and make their way to Mt. Sinai, where God will institute yet another covenant, establishing the law of God. In this covenant we witness a continuation of God’s covenant of grace, giving His commandments to a people he had already redeemed and claimed as His own.

 

God commands the Israelites to build a tent so that He might always be with them as they wander in the desert for 40 years, awaiting the promised land. Failing to have faith in the promise of the Lord, the Israelites rebel, worshipping idols and foreign gods, showing the necessity for a new covenant that would grant them the power to obey.

 

God raises up a leader in Joshua, who leads His people into the promised land. But a generation later, the Israelites would again be unfaithful, despite the fulfilled promises of the Lord. The Lord became angry and gave His people over to their plunderers, but quickly showed mercy again through the raising up of judges, or military leaders, to lead them.

 

But the Israelites rebellion does not cease. The people ask for a king, so they might be powerful like other nations. After the failure of their first king Saul, king David enters the picture as a humble servant of God. Creating a capital city in Jerusalem, David’s kingdom prospers for forty years. God creates a covenant with David promising him an enduring kingdom. The peak of the Old Testament, God’s promise for a Davidic kingdom achieves two main things: it more fully realizes the purpose and promise of God’s previous covenants (namely the promise of God’s blessing for the seed of Abraham) and ignites the hope for a Messiah, inspiring the faith of Israel for the coming of the true and complete fulfillment in Jesus Christ.

 

After David, Solomon rules but the people turn back towards rebellion. Through a series of failed kings, Israel is split into two kingdoms: the southern kingdom (called Judah), and the northern kingdom (called Israel). The Assyrians eventually conquer Israel and the Babylonians eventually conquer Judah, exiling the Jews. During the conquest of Israel, the temple is destroyed.

 

The Jews return to their land, attempting to reinstitute the law (an effort led by Ezra) and build walls around Jerusalem (an effort led by Nehemiah), but Israel would not return to its former strength.

 

Amidst the pain and sorrow of His people, God brings prophets to speak of the hope and promise of the Lord for a Messiah who will deliver them and bring complete redemption through the fulfillment of the law.

 

PART 2: Character/Event of the Old Testament that helps us understand Christ better.

 

God’s Covenant with Abraham

 

This event is an excellent example of the establishing of our justification by faith, not through works; a truth manifest in the achievement of Christ. Christ was the sacrifice for our sin, calling us to serve Him in obedience because we believe in the power of His sacrifice, not in order to achieve God’s favor.

 

Abraham had no children, yet believed the most unlikely of circumstances when God vowed that his offspring would number the stars.

 

His righteousness was founded in his faith, not in his works of obedience. As Genesis 15:6 says “And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness.” Because of his faith in the promise of the Lord, Abraham chose to obey the Lord’s covenant demands. Abraham exemplified the purpose of obedience as worship, showing us that even from the beginning of the biblical narrative, we are told that we are saved by faith, not through works.

Until now I had not considered that my take on people and sin has been more derived from acting theory and technique than the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This will take some time for me to dismantle (in the non-postmodernist sense, of course) for the simple reason that I've found it all to be so true, so trustworthy an explanation for the great "why" questions regarding human behavior.

Any actor worth his salt (or his over priced education) can break down a character's motivations even to a moment within moments of a scene, all while linking it to the larger scope of the arc of the character, the play and even the intentions of the playwright. In order to accomplish this, an actor delves deeply into the text and character as though it were a mirror into his own soul, and often finds the process radically illuminating in regards to himself. In essense, actors must know themselves in order to effectively approach human scenarios and embody both text and character. The practice of this leads to an examined life and has affected in me a sort of informal yet constant therapudic faithfulness through which I have sought to grow in craft and character. And why not? "Know thyself" cannot be passed off as bad advice.

Here's the rub (a rimshot is heard from offstage).

Now enjoying my second year of marriage to a lovely, kindred spirit named Emily, I've learned that all my insight into self has amounted to alot of horse shit in regards to the actual transformation of my sinful nature (which the gauntlet of marriage was obliged to reveal at every turn). I felt certain that all of my self knowledge and therapudic faithulness would do for me what Benjamin Franklin hoped his moralistic methodology would do for him. In short, I trusted Freud to save me (or rather, Sanford Meisner, God rest his cantankorous soul). Surely, a thorough examination of my past and my inner self (my truest intentions and areas of failing) would affect deep change in me and cause my artistic expression (as well as my righteousness) to shine like the sun! Not so much.

So, here we are, me, Freud, Jesus and my sin, at the foot of the Cross.  (Now arises the melody of a song by that great purveyor of transformative art, "Sesame Street"):

 One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

Did you guess which thing was not like the others?
Did you guess which thing just doesn't belong?
If you guessed this One is not like the others,
Then you're absolutely...right!
 

Kenyon Adams, Gotham 2009

Questions like these are ones that I typically run away from. This question is no exception. As with many people, a question that requires me to think ahead and to create a future perspective of an uncertain future of my life makes me uneasy and uncomfortable. In the first few weeks into these nine months, there have been words to confirm my previous suspicions that ‘perspective’ goes a long way into determining your ideas in retrospect and therefore shapes your visions for the future. In retrospect, I remember distinctly my frustration of responding to the Gotham application question, "What do you see yourself doing in five years and what are some of your overall life goals?"... My typical response to these questions is, ‘I don’t have a clear vision of the future except that I have an expectation that God is working and I want to be open to His will;’ a response that is neat, concise and proclaiming God’s sovereignty. However, it is also cowardly and lacks a boldness that has been exemplified in the actions and words of Paul and Peter.

What I had previously believed as putting my complete trust in God by ‘letting Him work’ and removing myself from goals and specific vision now seems to be superseded by the greater trust required from setting goals and drafting visions and watching God tear them apart or confirm them and bless them. For me now, the former is based on fear but the latter is based on fearing the Lord. What is at stake for approaching with a future perspective? At the least, there is action and movement toward God with my own ambitions and at best, my goals align with His will and the Spirit moves unabated by my typical tentative human approach, and thus create life transforming events.

Therefore, in nine months, I would like to have a greater boldness in my approach to my relationship with Christ, with a continued regimen of devotions and intentional prayer. I would like to have a greater boldness in my Christian actions and display what I believe with more confidence and conviction that will be evident to those around me. I want to be a leader in my professional career, informed by the studies during Gotham. In nine months I want to have established a five year goal for career and spiritual movement in my life. And during these nine months I still retain an expectation of God working and changing my life and the community in which I am involved. But I have this expectation now while I am meeting God with my own goals and works. It is not enough to sit back and enjoy (or lament) the ride, but one must pursue God as he pursues us; work toward and for Him, as He has done so for us. There is nothing to be gained from being complacent, and depending on ones ‘perspective’, there is much to gain by working forward in the next nine months and beyond. Simply, I would like to be working…

 

It strikes me as an odd question, though many questions have seemed "funny" to me lately (not funny haha but the other funny). Where would I like to be in nine months? What if I were to process it using lectio divina as we did with the twenty-third Psalm at the retreat and meditate on each word, drawing out meaning and evocation? Where! Would! I! Like! to! be! in! nine! months! Where would I like to BE! in nine months...and so forth and so...

I rarely think of my life in terms of months, which may be sympotmatic of a more egregious error in my own perspective. Let's add that to a growing list of quibbles with myself I seem to be piling up. Perhaps it is better described (forgive me but analagies do flow like a faucet from my imagination and therefore from my mouth) as a slow leak in the dam of self- righteousness which has been too often trusted by me to restrain the ocean of sin I seemed to have inherited from this chap Adam (or I should say, this "brotha" A-dam). Bring the dam down, burn the house down, it's not a leak it's a deluge! It's not an isloated brush fire, it's wiping out the city and I'm here to seek a Saviour!

Nine months will fly by I'm told, and I believe it. After speaking last night with a 47-year-old visual artist who had his debut solo exhibition in Soho at the age of 25, raised a family, and new will be entering his 50's and the prospect of a whole new emergence as an artist, I see that 25 years may also "fly by". It's not just the songwriters, poets and widows who understand the passage of time, the fleeting nature of youth, the permanance of love.

Over breakfast this morning I unloaded on my poor wife with a world-weary query regarding our future and the brevity of our lives (poor woman, she does endure much to love me). She responded lucidly, "We're making time to process these things, all will be well...".

God love her!

In nine months I want to have made time to process these things, like laying the capstone in a building project that has already included some senseless and failed carpentry, and will no doubt continue to be a faulty process.

All analogies aside, I want to change. I'm asking Him to change me, for His glory, so that His work will be complete in due time. I'm humbling myself under His mighty Hand and I'm scared that He may prefer my obscurity but I'm learning to prefer even that to the dreaded thought of missing this completion that He promises. That is what I think is meant by vocare, practically.  It is a contextual journey towards completion. The particlars of my own context have either yet to be determined or perhaps accepted by me. Solomon writes, "let your gaze be fixed before you". I want to set my gaze and fix it in place over the next nine months. To quiet my demons with shot gun or slingshot or broken glass. A barroom brawl if needs be, but all to Jesus, all to Him, I surrender all.

Kenyon Adams, Gotham Fellow 2009-10

 

 

My decision towards applying for the Gotham Fellowship was an extremely difficult one for me, as I am at a point of transition in my life. But I would like to first start with how I decided to join the Fellowship.

Last April, I was preparing a workshop on how Christianity and Finance for the Financial Services Ministry’s leadership retreat. On one of my readings, I learned about Shalom – God created the world in a certain way that will bring about Shalom. However, it is our sin that perverts the goodness of his creation and shatters Shalom.

I’ve realized that I have little concept of what a world in Shalom really looks like. Are we all supposed to be happy in Shalom? What are my motivations for working when I am in Shalom? What is finance supposed to really be, and how did God create it? During this time, Katherine Leary suggested that I join the Gotham Fellowship to wrestle this issue.

However, last April was also the time that my career was being turned upside down. I had been working on M&A deals for most of my working career, but I have not been doing any deals for the past year. With the credit markets still frozen, it would only be a matter of time before I would loose my job. I started to think about what I should really be doing with my life – should I leave finance? Should I go back and study to become another career? Should I leave New York and work somewhere else? What is God telling me?

Since then, I have lost my job. However, I have also decided to stay in New York. I believe that God wants me to learn to trust in him. But more than that, I need to understand him more so that I can learn to love him more.

In nine months, I hope that I can understand community better. I hope that I can wrestle, with other people, the image of what Shalom should be. But most of all, I expect to love others and be loved back.
 

When presented with the question “where do I want to be in nine months?” at our fall retreat my mind flooded with a list of areas I long to grow in, areas that seem to never be too far from my mind. When reading back through that journal entry I found that my answers were not particularly interesting or profound. But I did find my answers to be hesitant and reserved. “Don’t ask too much, Lisa.” Upon a second re-reading of this journal entry I realized that a lack of faith ran through my answers like a poisoned river. I clearly remember what I was feeling when I penned the two pages in my black moleskin, and although I wasn’t saying so explicitly, my answers were screaming, “Can God really do these things in me? Will the Father choose to do great things through me and with me? I’m not so sure.” What a lack of trust in God and too much trust in myself!! S I N.

To be slapped in the face with my own sin is a gracious gift of the Lord! Having seen my lack of faith as well as a disproportionate balance of my belief in God’s ability to change me and his desire to do so, I am repentant and renewed in faith and hope for change in my heart, community, and city. I know He is able AND willing. With this my answers to “where I want to be in nine months” may not change, but my expectations, trust and hope will.

Further down this exact road is just where I want to be in nine months. I want to have a clear honest awareness of my sin, complimented with a deep faith that God can, will, and is pleased to overcome it. I also want a wholehearted willingness to live in obedience to him.

At Redeemer, and thus far in Gotham, we often hear that, “The gospel changes everything.” I believe this to be 100% right and true. In nine months I’d like to understand exactly how this is right and true. How the gospel changes the way I work, play, worship, handle relationships, etc…how I live/operate in and with the world. I hope to have a much more firm grasp on this in nine months…to be saturated with it. To name a few ways, this translates into a more robust prayer life, more thoughtful and meaningful times of daily personal worship, a deeper push to pour my life out on behalf of others (in all my communities, including the hospital) , and a faithful non-legalistic participation in the spiritual disciplines. All this has one end….more understand of and communion with God.

Gotham is challenging spiritually and mentally. In addition to the above hopes, in nine months I desire to have developed more depth of mind, more familiarity with my own mental processes, and more creative and astute thinking skills. A more full and complete understanding of my own faith and theology is desired and expected.

I feel like my life is compartmentalized. In reality there are no compartments. All portions of life and heart affect the other portions. In nine months I’d like the different “compartments” of my life to be joined together. To use the term from our first week’s reading, I long to be less dualistic. How can I marry the secular and sacred, the public and private? I am desperate to be further along in the process at the end of this nine month journey.

Spiritually, in community, and in my work, where do I want to be in nine months? In a place different from where I am today.
 

The thought surfaced after reviewing my journaling from the first retreat that, after looking back on a history of my own expectations coming into a head on collision with reality, and dramatically changing either for the better or for the worse, the answer I ought to offer myself to the question, "Where would you like to be nine months from now?" is, “I would like to have a deeper appreciation for the first of the ten commandments.”

The more I thought through the initial question, the more I recognized that every answer I was listing, and every reason I had for not fulfilling those goals prior to this moment, stemmed from a neglect to really think through the implications of the words, “Have no other gods before me.” Everything I was putting down, from ‘being more decisive’ to ‘beginning production on my first feature film’ to ‘growing in sound, theological doctrine’, I was more or less addressing because I lack it now, and the thought of having it really does give me a sense of value. ‘Being more decisive’, for example, brings to light a lot of problems I’ve faced on a day to day basis.

Living in New York City is amazing, but if there is one dilemma that continues to surface during the conversations I have with my peers, it’s the problem of indecision. Ironically this problem seems to stem from the fact that, in a city like New York, where there are literally thousands of things to choose from regarding carrier opportunities, social events and even relationships, a sort of paralysis sets in from not being able to really decide which current to follow.

In my own case, I’m becoming increasingly convinced that this dilemma is not a direct result of having different 'choices', but rather, that deep down, I seem to be convinced by the things in my life like success, relationships and power that if I would, “just be honest with myself, and pursue these things with all my heart, when I finally got them, I would be happy. I might even be complete!” A friend of mine once told me that the Bible had a word for this train of thought, whenever you attribute it to anything but God – idolatry.

It occurs to me, in hindsight, that most of the time I say to myself, “What should I do?” or “Where do I want to be?” “Who should I pursue a relationship with?” what I’m really saying is, “Which one of these options, or what combination of them, will bring me the most satisfaction?” I originally thought that the right answer was, “You can’t know, so make a choice!” In light of the first commandment, however, I’m beginning to think that the right answer is, “None of them can fulfill you, they were never meant to fill your stomach, they were only meant to arouse your appetite. As God, I’m the only one who can truly satisfy you, and in everything you’ve been looking to to make you happy, you’ve really been looking for me.”

Coming to grips with that is a process, but ultimately, despite whether or not I’ve moved a mile or an inch in any worldly sense come next May, the progress I do hope to make is the type that sheds a person of his/her idols, and brings him/her into a deeper relationship with God.

Nine months seems like a long time. But these days, I'm mostly waiting for the days to slow down so I can sit down and finally get a grasp on my life. When the question was posed "Where would you like to be in nine months?" during our retreat, I immediately thought of all the typical answers. Typical, not because they were expected (such as loving God and loving others more), but because they still remain such a large struggle in my life. And in some part, because I have always seen it as a struggle and it has always remained a struggle - I seem to lose hope in those answers every time I am presented with a question like this.

Always the sociologist, my reflection on this question during the retreat allowed me to look at it a different way. Instead of asking WHY these greater goals (such as loving God and loving others more) aren't being accomplished, I want to start asking WHAT things in my life are preventing me from those greater goals. Knowing myself, I tend to be overly ambitious - which as a result, has sometimes led me to be unnecessarily disappointed when I can't achieve my overly ambitious goals; so, over these next nine months, I want to focus on two main things that the Lord has brought out to be sin in my life.

First, I want to follow through with the things I want to do and/or believe is right to do. I believe God has blessed me with the ability to feel compassion and empathy for others, but for whatever reason, at times, I feel oppressed, lazy or ashamed to do so. Therefore, I don't actually act on those feelings even though I want to or believe it is right to do so. Similarly, I am someone who is better at giving out advice than living out advice; which is in other words, is pretty hypocritical. I pray that over these nine months, that I actually learn to explore and think through what it is that I really believe in and act on it, and follow through with it.

Second, I would like to be at a place where I can actually loosen the grips I have on life right now. Fear is a huge part as to why I grasp parts of life, but I pray that I can learn to slowly let go and trust God in those areas and that my life will be reflection of that in some way over the next nine months. But I do need a lot of prayer in this, because sometimes I have no idea how to go about that.

Normally, this is where I let my goals linger and see if they will just flourish without much of my doing (as if it's God's main job to achieve our own goals). However, I do know that there's a lot of work to do on my end, and that God will only work if I allow Him in my life to do so. During our meditation on Psalm 23 during the retreat, I was moved by the line "He restores my soul." Because somehow, in the midst of the mess that I may have brought upon myself, the Lord provides hope and restoration to those who look to Him.

Where would I like to be in 9 months?

These future-oriented sort of questions always irritate me a little. Nobody can know where one will be or whether one's goals will have changed in any given span of time, whether it's months or years... Still, I understand how these types of exercises are useful. I do, in fact, make lists of future goals all the time. Lists are a perfectionist's best friend. So here we go. I shall copy the bullet points in my Gotham journal into this blog.

1. closer to Christ

2. kinder to others

3. more knowledgeable about theology

4. further in my career

5. less anxious about not having met life goals 

I realize that those last two (that have appeared on oh so many lists of mine!) are not directly related to Gotham and fall into a more 'general goals' category, but surely they are still relevant points as a transformed spiritual life touches all aspects of one's life. 

Allow me to follow up these bullet points with more detailed explanations. 

1. I desire to have a more tangible relationship with God, His son, and the Spirit. I want to actually experientially feel His (their) presence and activity in my life. I wish to become more aware of and in tune with Him (them). I'd like to doubt less and praise more. It would be wonderful to trust, so that my fears and loneliness would lessen. I want to be able to call Him my best friend without feeling like a chump saying it.

2. I have got to become less self-focused (says the girl who writes the most indulgent of journal entries)! I'd love to be a more compassionate person and actually volunteer regularly. It would be fabulous if I could allow God to transform my judgmental thought patterns into loving ones.

3. It would be useful to be more knowledgeable about theology so I could carry on better conversations about religion with others, thereby becoming a more effective (eek) 'evangelizer.'  Having more theological knowledge would also help me solidify my beliefs for the road of life ahead.

4. I want to kick my butt in gear and go-go-go after my dancing dreams with infinite zeal. Surely God can help me do this! Yes? If what I want to do for my career is not what He wants, I'd love for him to make that abundantly clear.

5. There are certain things I want (oh, say, to perform for a company/in a venue I can feel genuinely proud of and to marry a great guy and have lots of sex and babies) that I'm not so sure I'm going to get in this lifetime. Sometimes I get anxious about this and worry that God's desires may not align with my own or that I'm not doing the correct things to bring these plans into fruition. Worrying is a stupid waste of precious life and energy. It's be nice to worry less.

When reflecting on particular things I was convicted of during the retreat, I came up with the following list (Yay! Lists!):

1. My spiritual life is poorer than I'd like to believe.

2. I still don't fully believe that God loves me.

3. I still find it difficult to discern how God uses the various events in my life.

I say "still" in points 2 and 3 because I have been aware of these two problems for some time, but  have made little progress. I am hoping Gotham will help me in these areas. Shall I expect growth? Fine. I will!

Once again, further explanations:

1. It is easy to look at oneself and think, "I'm a fairly nice, fairly moral person. I don't make a whole lot of idiotic 20-something year old type decisions. I'm involved in a fair amount of churchy stuff. I'm doing ok." If you don't have a real, tangible relationship with Christ that doesn't much matter, now does it? I re-realized this on the retreat. I think those mean people who orchestrate Gotham want that to happen and organize these retreats for just that purpose! I've also had a difficult time making time for the daily devotionals. I can't help but think that if I had a stronger love of Christ, that would be easier.

2. We meditated on Psalm 23 as a group and talked about listening to God. I got obnoxiously weepy when I re-realized that I often don't make a real effort to listen for His voice because I don't think I'm important enough to be spoken to. Once more, I recognized the false-humility inherent in such a thought. God is bigger than that. He speaks to whoever He wants to, including less than super special people. In fact, Jesus loved the prostitutes, the lame, etc. I was fooling myself. As a side note, the fact that I have yet to experience a moment of direct communication with God makes it especially difficult for me to listen faithfully, but this of course is no excuse.

3. We each choose a phrase to repeat from the psalm. I said, "I shall not be in want." I do a lot of wanting in life when really there should be only one thing that I want- Him. I get so caught up in my goals and desires that I can't make sense of the yucky moments in life. I do my best to be stoic and soldier on instead of looking for God in the mess. During the activity in which we chronologically mapped out our positive and negative life events I had difficulty with the final step. Discerning how I grew spiritually from landmark to landmark was, and is, a challenge for me. Yet another thing I can hope (expect?) to learn during Gotham.

What can I say? Gotham. I'm skeptical but hopeful. Still, I know it's going to be good for me and the entire group. Who knows? I might have my socks blown off! I'm not eliminating that as a possibility!

P.S. Sorry this is too long. Maybe I'll edit later?