The thought surfaced after reviewing my journaling from the first retreat that, after looking back on a history of my own expectations coming into a head on collision with reality, and dramatically changing either for the better or for the worse, the answer I ought to offer myself to the question, "Where would you like to be nine months from now?" is, “I would like to have a deeper appreciation for the first of the ten commandments.”

The more I thought through the initial question, the more I recognized that every answer I was listing, and every reason I had for not fulfilling those goals prior to this moment, stemmed from a neglect to really think through the implications of the words, “Have no other gods before me.” Everything I was putting down, from ‘being more decisive’ to ‘beginning production on my first feature film’ to ‘growing in sound, theological doctrine’, I was more or less addressing because I lack it now, and the thought of having it really does give me a sense of value. ‘Being more decisive’, for example, brings to light a lot of problems I’ve faced on a day to day basis.

Living in New York City is amazing, but if there is one dilemma that continues to surface during the conversations I have with my peers, it’s the problem of indecision. Ironically this problem seems to stem from the fact that, in a city like New York, where there are literally thousands of things to choose from regarding carrier opportunities, social events and even relationships, a sort of paralysis sets in from not being able to really decide which current to follow.

In my own case, I’m becoming increasingly convinced that this dilemma is not a direct result of having different 'choices', but rather, that deep down, I seem to be convinced by the things in my life like success, relationships and power that if I would, “just be honest with myself, and pursue these things with all my heart, when I finally got them, I would be happy. I might even be complete!” A friend of mine once told me that the Bible had a word for this train of thought, whenever you attribute it to anything but God – idolatry.

It occurs to me, in hindsight, that most of the time I say to myself, “What should I do?” or “Where do I want to be?” “Who should I pursue a relationship with?” what I’m really saying is, “Which one of these options, or what combination of them, will bring me the most satisfaction?” I originally thought that the right answer was, “You can’t know, so make a choice!” In light of the first commandment, however, I’m beginning to think that the right answer is, “None of them can fulfill you, they were never meant to fill your stomach, they were only meant to arouse your appetite. As God, I’m the only one who can truly satisfy you, and in everything you’ve been looking to to make you happy, you’ve really been looking for me.”

Coming to grips with that is a process, but ultimately, despite whether or not I’ve moved a mile or an inch in any worldly sense come next May, the progress I do hope to make is the type that sheds a person of his/her idols, and brings him/her into a deeper relationship with God.