Questions like these are ones that I typically run away from. This question is no exception. As with many people, a question that requires me to think ahead and to create a future perspective of an uncertain future of my life makes me uneasy and uncomfortable. In the first few weeks into these nine months, there have been words to confirm my previous suspicions that ‘perspective’ goes a long way into determining your ideas in retrospect and therefore shapes your visions for the future. In retrospect, I remember distinctly my frustration of responding to the Gotham application question, "What do you see yourself doing in five years and what are some of your overall life goals?"... My typical response to these questions is, ‘I don’t have a clear vision of the future except that I have an expectation that God is working and I want to be open to His will;’ a response that is neat, concise and proclaiming God’s sovereignty. However, it is also cowardly and lacks a boldness that has been exemplified in the actions and words of Paul and Peter.

What I had previously believed as putting my complete trust in God by ‘letting Him work’ and removing myself from goals and specific vision now seems to be superseded by the greater trust required from setting goals and drafting visions and watching God tear them apart or confirm them and bless them. For me now, the former is based on fear but the latter is based on fearing the Lord. What is at stake for approaching with a future perspective? At the least, there is action and movement toward God with my own ambitions and at best, my goals align with His will and the Spirit moves unabated by my typical tentative human approach, and thus create life transforming events.

Therefore, in nine months, I would like to have a greater boldness in my approach to my relationship with Christ, with a continued regimen of devotions and intentional prayer. I would like to have a greater boldness in my Christian actions and display what I believe with more confidence and conviction that will be evident to those around me. I want to be a leader in my professional career, informed by the studies during Gotham. In nine months I want to have established a five year goal for career and spiritual movement in my life. And during these nine months I still retain an expectation of God working and changing my life and the community in which I am involved. But I have this expectation now while I am meeting God with my own goals and works. It is not enough to sit back and enjoy (or lament) the ride, but one must pursue God as he pursues us; work toward and for Him, as He has done so for us. There is nothing to be gained from being complacent, and depending on ones ‘perspective’, there is much to gain by working forward in the next nine months and beyond. Simply, I would like to be working…

My decision towards applying for the Gotham Fellowship was an extremely difficult one for me, as I am at a point of transition in my life. But I would like to first start with how I decided to join the Fellowship.

Last April, I was preparing a workshop on how Christianity and Finance for the Financial Services Ministry’s leadership retreat. On one of my readings, I learned about Shalom – God created the world in a certain way that will bring about Shalom. However, it is our sin that perverts the goodness of his creation and shatters Shalom.

I’ve realized that I have little concept of what a world in Shalom really looks like. Are we all supposed to be happy in Shalom? What are my motivations for working when I am in Shalom? What is finance supposed to really be, and how did God create it? During this time, Katherine Leary suggested that I join the Gotham Fellowship to wrestle this issue.

However, last April was also the time that my career was being turned upside down. I had been working on M&A deals for most of my working career, but I have not been doing any deals for the past year. With the credit markets still frozen, it would only be a matter of time before I would loose my job. I started to think about what I should really be doing with my life – should I leave finance? Should I go back and study to become another career? Should I leave New York and work somewhere else? What is God telling me?

Since then, I have lost my job. However, I have also decided to stay in New York. I believe that God wants me to learn to trust in him. But more than that, I need to understand him more so that I can learn to love him more.

In nine months, I hope that I can understand community better. I hope that I can wrestle, with other people, the image of what Shalom should be. But most of all, I expect to love others and be loved back.
 

When presented with the question “where do I want to be in nine months?” at our fall retreat my mind flooded with a list of areas I long to grow in, areas that seem to never be too far from my mind. When reading back through that journal entry I found that my answers were not particularly interesting or profound. But I did find my answers to be hesitant and reserved. “Don’t ask too much, Lisa.” Upon a second re-reading of this journal entry I realized that a lack of faith ran through my answers like a poisoned river. I clearly remember what I was feeling when I penned the two pages in my black moleskin, and although I wasn’t saying so explicitly, my answers were screaming, “Can God really do these things in me? Will the Father choose to do great things through me and with me? I’m not so sure.” What a lack of trust in God and too much trust in myself!! S I N.

To be slapped in the face with my own sin is a gracious gift of the Lord! Having seen my lack of faith as well as a disproportionate balance of my belief in God’s ability to change me and his desire to do so, I am repentant and renewed in faith and hope for change in my heart, community, and city. I know He is able AND willing. With this my answers to “where I want to be in nine months” may not change, but my expectations, trust and hope will.

Further down this exact road is just where I want to be in nine months. I want to have a clear honest awareness of my sin, complimented with a deep faith that God can, will, and is pleased to overcome it. I also want a wholehearted willingness to live in obedience to him.

At Redeemer, and thus far in Gotham, we often hear that, “The gospel changes everything.” I believe this to be 100% right and true. In nine months I’d like to understand exactly how this is right and true. How the gospel changes the way I work, play, worship, handle relationships, etc…how I live/operate in and with the world. I hope to have a much more firm grasp on this in nine months…to be saturated with it. To name a few ways, this translates into a more robust prayer life, more thoughtful and meaningful times of daily personal worship, a deeper push to pour my life out on behalf of others (in all my communities, including the hospital) , and a faithful non-legalistic participation in the spiritual disciplines. All this has one end….more understand of and communion with God.

Gotham is challenging spiritually and mentally. In addition to the above hopes, in nine months I desire to have developed more depth of mind, more familiarity with my own mental processes, and more creative and astute thinking skills. A more full and complete understanding of my own faith and theology is desired and expected.

I feel like my life is compartmentalized. In reality there are no compartments. All portions of life and heart affect the other portions. In nine months I’d like the different “compartments” of my life to be joined together. To use the term from our first week’s reading, I long to be less dualistic. How can I marry the secular and sacred, the public and private? I am desperate to be further along in the process at the end of this nine month journey.

Spiritually, in community, and in my work, where do I want to be in nine months? In a place different from where I am today.
 

The thought surfaced after reviewing my journaling from the first retreat that, after looking back on a history of my own expectations coming into a head on collision with reality, and dramatically changing either for the better or for the worse, the answer I ought to offer myself to the question, "Where would you like to be nine months from now?" is, “I would like to have a deeper appreciation for the first of the ten commandments.”

The more I thought through the initial question, the more I recognized that every answer I was listing, and every reason I had for not fulfilling those goals prior to this moment, stemmed from a neglect to really think through the implications of the words, “Have no other gods before me.” Everything I was putting down, from ‘being more decisive’ to ‘beginning production on my first feature film’ to ‘growing in sound, theological doctrine’, I was more or less addressing because I lack it now, and the thought of having it really does give me a sense of value. ‘Being more decisive’, for example, brings to light a lot of problems I’ve faced on a day to day basis.

Living in New York City is amazing, but if there is one dilemma that continues to surface during the conversations I have with my peers, it’s the problem of indecision. Ironically this problem seems to stem from the fact that, in a city like New York, where there are literally thousands of things to choose from regarding carrier opportunities, social events and even relationships, a sort of paralysis sets in from not being able to really decide which current to follow.

In my own case, I’m becoming increasingly convinced that this dilemma is not a direct result of having different 'choices', but rather, that deep down, I seem to be convinced by the things in my life like success, relationships and power that if I would, “just be honest with myself, and pursue these things with all my heart, when I finally got them, I would be happy. I might even be complete!” A friend of mine once told me that the Bible had a word for this train of thought, whenever you attribute it to anything but God – idolatry.

It occurs to me, in hindsight, that most of the time I say to myself, “What should I do?” or “Where do I want to be?” “Who should I pursue a relationship with?” what I’m really saying is, “Which one of these options, or what combination of them, will bring me the most satisfaction?” I originally thought that the right answer was, “You can’t know, so make a choice!” In light of the first commandment, however, I’m beginning to think that the right answer is, “None of them can fulfill you, they were never meant to fill your stomach, they were only meant to arouse your appetite. As God, I’m the only one who can truly satisfy you, and in everything you’ve been looking to to make you happy, you’ve really been looking for me.”

Coming to grips with that is a process, but ultimately, despite whether or not I’ve moved a mile or an inch in any worldly sense come next May, the progress I do hope to make is the type that sheds a person of his/her idols, and brings him/her into a deeper relationship with God.

Nine months seems like a long time. But these days, I'm mostly waiting for the days to slow down so I can sit down and finally get a grasp on my life. When the question was posed "Where would you like to be in nine months?" during our retreat, I immediately thought of all the typical answers. Typical, not because they were expected (such as loving God and loving others more), but because they still remain such a large struggle in my life. And in some part, because I have always seen it as a struggle and it has always remained a struggle - I seem to lose hope in those answers every time I am presented with a question like this.

Always the sociologist, my reflection on this question during the retreat allowed me to look at it a different way. Instead of asking WHY these greater goals (such as loving God and loving others more) aren't being accomplished, I want to start asking WHAT things in my life are preventing me from those greater goals. Knowing myself, I tend to be overly ambitious - which as a result, has sometimes led me to be unnecessarily disappointed when I can't achieve my overly ambitious goals; so, over these next nine months, I want to focus on two main things that the Lord has brought out to be sin in my life.

First, I want to follow through with the things I want to do and/or believe is right to do. I believe God has blessed me with the ability to feel compassion and empathy for others, but for whatever reason, at times, I feel oppressed, lazy or ashamed to do so. Therefore, I don't actually act on those feelings even though I want to or believe it is right to do so. Similarly, I am someone who is better at giving out advice than living out advice; which is in other words, is pretty hypocritical. I pray that over these nine months, that I actually learn to explore and think through what it is that I really believe in and act on it, and follow through with it.

Second, I would like to be at a place where I can actually loosen the grips I have on life right now. Fear is a huge part as to why I grasp parts of life, but I pray that I can learn to slowly let go and trust God in those areas and that my life will be reflection of that in some way over the next nine months. But I do need a lot of prayer in this, because sometimes I have no idea how to go about that.

Normally, this is where I let my goals linger and see if they will just flourish without much of my doing (as if it's God's main job to achieve our own goals). However, I do know that there's a lot of work to do on my end, and that God will only work if I allow Him in my life to do so. During our meditation on Psalm 23 during the retreat, I was moved by the line "He restores my soul." Because somehow, in the midst of the mess that I may have brought upon myself, the Lord provides hope and restoration to those who look to Him.

Where would I like to be in 9 months?

These future-oriented sort of questions always irritate me a little. Nobody can know where one will be or whether one's goals will have changed in any given span of time, whether it's months or years... Still, I understand how these types of exercises are useful. I do, in fact, make lists of future goals all the time. Lists are a perfectionist's best friend. So here we go. I shall copy the bullet points in my Gotham journal into this blog.

1. closer to Christ

2. kinder to others

3. more knowledgeable about theology

4. further in my career

5. less anxious about not having met life goals 

I realize that those last two (that have appeared on oh so many lists of mine!) are not directly related to Gotham and fall into a more 'general goals' category, but surely they are still relevant points as a transformed spiritual life touches all aspects of one's life. 

Allow me to follow up these bullet points with more detailed explanations. 

1. I desire to have a more tangible relationship with God, His son, and the Spirit. I want to actually experientially feel His (their) presence and activity in my life. I wish to become more aware of and in tune with Him (them). I'd like to doubt less and praise more. It would be wonderful to trust, so that my fears and loneliness would lessen. I want to be able to call Him my best friend without feeling like a chump saying it.

2. I have got to become less self-focused (says the girl who writes the most indulgent of journal entries)! I'd love to be a more compassionate person and actually volunteer regularly. It would be fabulous if I could allow God to transform my judgmental thought patterns into loving ones.

3. It would be useful to be more knowledgeable about theology so I could carry on better conversations about religion with others, thereby becoming a more effective (eek) 'evangelizer.'  Having more theological knowledge would also help me solidify my beliefs for the road of life ahead.

4. I want to kick my butt in gear and go-go-go after my dancing dreams with infinite zeal. Surely God can help me do this! Yes? If what I want to do for my career is not what He wants, I'd love for him to make that abundantly clear.

5. There are certain things I want (oh, say, to perform for a company/in a venue I can feel genuinely proud of and to marry a great guy and have lots of sex and babies) that I'm not so sure I'm going to get in this lifetime. Sometimes I get anxious about this and worry that God's desires may not align with my own or that I'm not doing the correct things to bring these plans into fruition. Worrying is a stupid waste of precious life and energy. It's be nice to worry less.

When reflecting on particular things I was convicted of during the retreat, I came up with the following list (Yay! Lists!):

1. My spiritual life is poorer than I'd like to believe.

2. I still don't fully believe that God loves me.

3. I still find it difficult to discern how God uses the various events in my life.

I say "still" in points 2 and 3 because I have been aware of these two problems for some time, but  have made little progress. I am hoping Gotham will help me in these areas. Shall I expect growth? Fine. I will!

Once again, further explanations:

1. It is easy to look at oneself and think, "I'm a fairly nice, fairly moral person. I don't make a whole lot of idiotic 20-something year old type decisions. I'm involved in a fair amount of churchy stuff. I'm doing ok." If you don't have a real, tangible relationship with Christ that doesn't much matter, now does it? I re-realized this on the retreat. I think those mean people who orchestrate Gotham want that to happen and organize these retreats for just that purpose! I've also had a difficult time making time for the daily devotionals. I can't help but think that if I had a stronger love of Christ, that would be easier.

2. We meditated on Psalm 23 as a group and talked about listening to God. I got obnoxiously weepy when I re-realized that I often don't make a real effort to listen for His voice because I don't think I'm important enough to be spoken to. Once more, I recognized the false-humility inherent in such a thought. God is bigger than that. He speaks to whoever He wants to, including less than super special people. In fact, Jesus loved the prostitutes, the lame, etc. I was fooling myself. As a side note, the fact that I have yet to experience a moment of direct communication with God makes it especially difficult for me to listen faithfully, but this of course is no excuse.

3. We each choose a phrase to repeat from the psalm. I said, "I shall not be in want." I do a lot of wanting in life when really there should be only one thing that I want- Him. I get so caught up in my goals and desires that I can't make sense of the yucky moments in life. I do my best to be stoic and soldier on instead of looking for God in the mess. During the activity in which we chronologically mapped out our positive and negative life events I had difficulty with the final step. Discerning how I grew spiritually from landmark to landmark was, and is, a challenge for me. Yet another thing I can hope (expect?) to learn during Gotham.

What can I say? Gotham. I'm skeptical but hopeful. Still, I know it's going to be good for me and the entire group. Who knows? I might have my socks blown off! I'm not eliminating that as a possibility!

P.S. Sorry this is too long. Maybe I'll edit later?

“God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
-Psalm 46: 1-3, 10, 11

Last week on the Gotham Fellowship retreat, we did an exercise where we charted out our lives (thus far) and put our good memories/experiences/etc. in chronological order alongside our not so good/ “traumatic” memories/experiences/etc. After dividing our life into chunks and evaluating what God was teaching us in each phase of our lives we were asked:

Based on where we have been with God, where do we want to be with Him at the end of the nine month period of this program?

What struck me the most about looking over each phase of my life was how much fear has dominated so much of my life. Whether it was being terrified when I was young that dinosaurs were going to come out of the woods after I saw the movie “Jurassic Park” or being totally fearful to leave home when I decided to move to New York or being afraid of transition in more recent circumstances, fear is a habit. A habit that has dominated my thoughts and therefore, I’m sure it has dominated my behavior in some ways that I am aware of and many that I am not.

So, where do I want to be at the end of nine months?
I want to be someone who trusts more in the Sovereignty of the Lord.
I want to be someone who is a little more at peace with the fact that I have no control over things.
I want to be someone who is a little more still, especially with my mind.
Someone who doesn’t waste countless minutes/hours imaging ways the bottom will drop out of each situation and then imaging what I will do to try and fix it if it does.
Someone who gets up each day and pushes her expectations for the day back and experiences a peace and joy not from circumstances but from knowing that God’s presence and approval are all that I need to have joy on a given day.

Is that a little ambitious for a nine month period?

I have the feeling that I’m starting a new life. It’s not just that Gotham is new and will take up much of my time for the next nine months. I’m also just beginning a new job and a new relationship. This new life, with its new players and new routines is taking some getting used to. In many ways, I feel like I’ve been given a fresh start, and it feels exhilarating to have this opportunity. Already, I feel things shifting. Old habits are being broken. Newer, better ones are being formed. They say it takes 21 days to develop a habit. That means that within a few weeks, the practice of having daily devotional time will likely be integrated into my routine – after a painfully long hiatus. If after 21 days, it’s a habit, I can only imagine that after nine months it will be thoroughly ingrained as a part of my life.

At the same time, I’m still who I am. Since moving to New York, I’ve noticed the ways that the city rubs off on me. I’m more cynical and jaded. I’m less hopeful. There’s a part of me that wants to be cautious about making grand projections about where I’ll be in nine months. What if this process raises more questions than answers about the course of my career and my tenure in New York City? What if I still routinely spend Friday evenings at home with my cat, still longing for the type of community I had hoped to find here? What if my shortcomings get in the way of something great that may be supposed to happen? What if I’m pinning too much on Gotham?

And yet I know that I’m supposed to believe that hope does not disappoint, because God has poured his love into my heart – and I feel that I’ve been given the grace to actually believe it. When I think about the unique experience that Gotham will be, I realize that having high expectations for what this will do to my life is the only realistic option. While many things remain uncertain, I choose to believe that God will use these months to provide healing, restoration, and growth. With all the newness of this season, I know that whatever else happens during these nine months, that He will be with me, preparing me for whatever lies ahead.