Where would I like to be in 9 months?

These future-oriented sort of questions always irritate me a little. Nobody can know where one will be or whether one's goals will have changed in any given span of time, whether it's months or years... Still, I understand how these types of exercises are useful. I do, in fact, make lists of future goals all the time. Lists are a perfectionist's best friend. So here we go. I shall copy the bullet points in my Gotham journal into this blog.

1. closer to Christ

2. kinder to others

3. more knowledgeable about theology

4. further in my career

5. less anxious about not having met life goals 

I realize that those last two (that have appeared on oh so many lists of mine!) are not directly related to Gotham and fall into a more 'general goals' category, but surely they are still relevant points as a transformed spiritual life touches all aspects of one's life. 

Allow me to follow up these bullet points with more detailed explanations. 

1. I desire to have a more tangible relationship with God, His son, and the Spirit. I want to actually experientially feel His (their) presence and activity in my life. I wish to become more aware of and in tune with Him (them). I'd like to doubt less and praise more. It would be wonderful to trust, so that my fears and loneliness would lessen. I want to be able to call Him my best friend without feeling like a chump saying it.

2. I have got to become less self-focused (says the girl who writes the most indulgent of journal entries)! I'd love to be a more compassionate person and actually volunteer regularly. It would be fabulous if I could allow God to transform my judgmental thought patterns into loving ones.

3. It would be useful to be more knowledgeable about theology so I could carry on better conversations about religion with others, thereby becoming a more effective (eek) 'evangelizer.'  Having more theological knowledge would also help me solidify my beliefs for the road of life ahead.

4. I want to kick my butt in gear and go-go-go after my dancing dreams with infinite zeal. Surely God can help me do this! Yes? If what I want to do for my career is not what He wants, I'd love for him to make that abundantly clear.

5. There are certain things I want (oh, say, to perform for a company/in a venue I can feel genuinely proud of and to marry a great guy and have lots of sex and babies) that I'm not so sure I'm going to get in this lifetime. Sometimes I get anxious about this and worry that God's desires may not align with my own or that I'm not doing the correct things to bring these plans into fruition. Worrying is a stupid waste of precious life and energy. It's be nice to worry less.

When reflecting on particular things I was convicted of during the retreat, I came up with the following list (Yay! Lists!):

1. My spiritual life is poorer than I'd like to believe.

2. I still don't fully believe that God loves me.

3. I still find it difficult to discern how God uses the various events in my life.

I say "still" in points 2 and 3 because I have been aware of these two problems for some time, but  have made little progress. I am hoping Gotham will help me in these areas. Shall I expect growth? Fine. I will!

Once again, further explanations:

1. It is easy to look at oneself and think, "I'm a fairly nice, fairly moral person. I don't make a whole lot of idiotic 20-something year old type decisions. I'm involved in a fair amount of churchy stuff. I'm doing ok." If you don't have a real, tangible relationship with Christ that doesn't much matter, now does it? I re-realized this on the retreat. I think those mean people who orchestrate Gotham want that to happen and organize these retreats for just that purpose! I've also had a difficult time making time for the daily devotionals. I can't help but think that if I had a stronger love of Christ, that would be easier.

2. We meditated on Psalm 23 as a group and talked about listening to God. I got obnoxiously weepy when I re-realized that I often don't make a real effort to listen for His voice because I don't think I'm important enough to be spoken to. Once more, I recognized the false-humility inherent in such a thought. God is bigger than that. He speaks to whoever He wants to, including less than super special people. In fact, Jesus loved the prostitutes, the lame, etc. I was fooling myself. As a side note, the fact that I have yet to experience a moment of direct communication with God makes it especially difficult for me to listen faithfully, but this of course is no excuse.

3. We each choose a phrase to repeat from the psalm. I said, "I shall not be in want." I do a lot of wanting in life when really there should be only one thing that I want- Him. I get so caught up in my goals and desires that I can't make sense of the yucky moments in life. I do my best to be stoic and soldier on instead of looking for God in the mess. During the activity in which we chronologically mapped out our positive and negative life events I had difficulty with the final step. Discerning how I grew spiritually from landmark to landmark was, and is, a challenge for me. Yet another thing I can hope (expect?) to learn during Gotham.

What can I say? Gotham. I'm skeptical but hopeful. Still, I know it's going to be good for me and the entire group. Who knows? I might have my socks blown off! I'm not eliminating that as a possibility!

P.S. Sorry this is too long. Maybe I'll edit later?